yep, i dressed luke in eli's pants. he didn't seem to mind.
Monday, October 12, 2009
this is what happens when you aren't paying attention...
yep, i dressed luke in eli's pants. he didn't seem to mind.
eli-isms
Eli is two-and-a-half. It's an interesting age. Each day brings a new set of battles, and I am constantly learning how to win them. And how to lose them graciously. A few months ago, I thought I was going to lose my mind. My sweet, easy-tempered little boy was replaced almost overnight by a screaming, fit-throwing, impossibly stubborn demon child. I was mortified, exhausted and extremely humbled. I felt helpless and hopeless.
So I went to the source of all help and hope. I started getting on my knees every morning and asking God for wisdom, patience, and strength. When I was about to lose my temper, I would pray out loud for God to put a guard over my mouth. I cried out to the Lord - literally - and begged for more wisdom, more wisdom, more wisdom. Of course, He poured it out. "If any of you need wisdom, you should ask God, and it will be given to you. God is generous and won't correct you for asking (James 1:5)." Suddenly it seemed that everywhere I turned I found wisdom - good, Godly, practical advice.
Now when Eli starts to throw a fit or have a meltdown over something, I feel like I have many more "tools in my toolbox" with which I can respond. He still goes to time out - often - and I still spank - less often - but I find myself able to respond less out of anger and frustration, and with much greater thoughtfulness and patience. I also started praying over Eli more - sometimes, even in the middle of a meltdown, scooping him up and just praying out loud for God to calm his spirit - and I really believe that it's made a difference. He is having fewer behavior issues and the tension between us is so much less. This isn't to say that our days are problem-free. Or that the next challenging phase isn't right around the corner. But I'm thankful for good days right now.
Eli is quickly changing from a toddler to a preschooler (insert giant sob here). Cognitively, he's right on the cusp of understanding so much. I can see the wheels turning constantly, and it's hard to be patient and allow him to figure some things out for himself. I watch him make mistakes and get frustrated and have accidents and I think that he's just never going to get it. And then, he gets it. He figures out how to carry the bowl so that his snack doesn't spill. He figures out how to get Mickey in and out of the Mickey car by himself. It's amazing. When I was teaching, it was always so thrilling to witness the Aha! moments in my students - the moments when something clicked and the light bulb came on. It is a hundred times more rewarding to see them in my own child, especially when I am with him all day, every day, and I witness many, many "What the crap is wrong with my child?" moments.
The best part of this age (aside from all of the hugs and "I fuv you too, Mommy"s) is all of the funny things he says now. The other day I went to get him up from his nap. He was standing with his back turned to me, and I startled him when I walked in. He jumped, then turned around with his hand on his chest and exclaimed, "Oh! I scared you!" The same day, I went through the Starbucks drive-through and Eli was whining for his "Eli coffee?" I told him that he couldn't have any coffee, but that I would give him a special treat - and then handed him a nickel from my change. "This is a nickel," I said. "A pee-cole?" he replied in an awed voice. Then, after a beat: "A pee-cole, Mom? This is NOT a treat."
Oh yeah, and Lucas is six months old and growing at the speed of light and Mommy cannot handle how fast it's going this time and is having massive daily meltdowns over it. So, we'll save him for another day.
So I went to the source of all help and hope. I started getting on my knees every morning and asking God for wisdom, patience, and strength. When I was about to lose my temper, I would pray out loud for God to put a guard over my mouth. I cried out to the Lord - literally - and begged for more wisdom, more wisdom, more wisdom. Of course, He poured it out. "If any of you need wisdom, you should ask God, and it will be given to you. God is generous and won't correct you for asking (James 1:5)." Suddenly it seemed that everywhere I turned I found wisdom - good, Godly, practical advice.
Now when Eli starts to throw a fit or have a meltdown over something, I feel like I have many more "tools in my toolbox" with which I can respond. He still goes to time out - often - and I still spank - less often - but I find myself able to respond less out of anger and frustration, and with much greater thoughtfulness and patience. I also started praying over Eli more - sometimes, even in the middle of a meltdown, scooping him up and just praying out loud for God to calm his spirit - and I really believe that it's made a difference. He is having fewer behavior issues and the tension between us is so much less. This isn't to say that our days are problem-free. Or that the next challenging phase isn't right around the corner. But I'm thankful for good days right now.
Eli is quickly changing from a toddler to a preschooler (insert giant sob here). Cognitively, he's right on the cusp of understanding so much. I can see the wheels turning constantly, and it's hard to be patient and allow him to figure some things out for himself. I watch him make mistakes and get frustrated and have accidents and I think that he's just never going to get it. And then, he gets it. He figures out how to carry the bowl so that his snack doesn't spill. He figures out how to get Mickey in and out of the Mickey car by himself. It's amazing. When I was teaching, it was always so thrilling to witness the Aha! moments in my students - the moments when something clicked and the light bulb came on. It is a hundred times more rewarding to see them in my own child, especially when I am with him all day, every day, and I witness many, many "What the crap is wrong with my child?" moments.
The best part of this age (aside from all of the hugs and "I fuv you too, Mommy"s) is all of the funny things he says now. The other day I went to get him up from his nap. He was standing with his back turned to me, and I startled him when I walked in. He jumped, then turned around with his hand on his chest and exclaimed, "Oh! I scared you!" The same day, I went through the Starbucks drive-through and Eli was whining for his "Eli coffee?" I told him that he couldn't have any coffee, but that I would give him a special treat - and then handed him a nickel from my change. "This is a nickel," I said. "A pee-cole?" he replied in an awed voice. Then, after a beat: "A pee-cole, Mom? This is NOT a treat."
Oh yeah, and Lucas is six months old and growing at the speed of light and Mommy cannot handle how fast it's going this time and is having massive daily meltdowns over it. So, we'll save him for another day.
Monday, September 28, 2009
desire and power
God brought a verse to me recently: "Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and power to do what pleases Him (Phil 2:12-13)." In the past few years, God has changed my heart, radically transforming me into a woman who not only loves Him and pays Him lip service, but who earnestly desires the things of His heart and character. He is growing in me a heart that longs for His name to be glorified in my life. Changing me so that I long less for my dream house and more for my children to grow to love Him with all of their hearts, minds, souls, and strengths. He takes my eyes off of the Pottery Barn catalog and opens them to see the hurting people in my city - and, most amazingly, causing me to want to move.
I lived so selfishly for so many years, despite my outward professions of being His daughter. I spent my time thinking about myself - what I wanted, how I felt, what I had and didn't have and what I thought I needed to be happy. "If I only had..." or "If we could only get to this point..." were a constant refrain in my head. I loved God with a passion, but it ebbed and flowed. Even when I wasn't outright sinning, even when I went through a spiritual "high" period, my life was still about me more than anyone else. I was the picture of a lukewarm Christian. It breaks my heart to think of how many hurting people I've passed by over the years because I was too caught up in myself. But God - oh, our awesome God - He poured out His new mercies on me, again... and again.
What an awesome thing for my passion for Jesus to become steadfast; to want what He wants more than what I want. I am starting to get a grasp on His power - power that supplies me with the supernatural, unexplainable ability to move in obedience to His word. He speaks, and I want to listen. He directs, and I want to obey.
He gives me the desire and power to move towards the things of Him and away from things that grieves Him. In my spending and saving. In what I watch and listen to. In how I discipline my children. In how I discipline myself. It's the power to go for a run rather than re-watch Glee for the tenth time. It's the power to stop and pray, "Lord, place a guard over my mouth" before I yell at my screaming two-year-old having a screaming-two-year-old fit. It's the power to let go of my insatiable need to be visible and let someone else have the spotlight. It's the power to let go of my anger and my need to be right, and approach my husband with a gracious and forgiving spirit. It's the power - and this is the tough one - to make my actions live up to all my big talk.
Make no mistake. Not a moment of gracious, obedient, selfless behavior has anything to do with me. It is all by His grace, by His tender mercy that I can do anything good at all. But each time I drag myself out of bed early to have time before Him in the morning, each time I bury myself in studying His word, each time I pay attention to the Holy Spirit and move in obedience, I find deeper desire to know Him, to serve Him, to follow Him - and more and more power to do so.
I lived so selfishly for so many years, despite my outward professions of being His daughter. I spent my time thinking about myself - what I wanted, how I felt, what I had and didn't have and what I thought I needed to be happy. "If I only had..." or "If we could only get to this point..." were a constant refrain in my head. I loved God with a passion, but it ebbed and flowed. Even when I wasn't outright sinning, even when I went through a spiritual "high" period, my life was still about me more than anyone else. I was the picture of a lukewarm Christian. It breaks my heart to think of how many hurting people I've passed by over the years because I was too caught up in myself. But God - oh, our awesome God - He poured out His new mercies on me, again... and again.
What an awesome thing for my passion for Jesus to become steadfast; to want what He wants more than what I want. I am starting to get a grasp on His power - power that supplies me with the supernatural, unexplainable ability to move in obedience to His word. He speaks, and I want to listen. He directs, and I want to obey.
He gives me the desire and power to move towards the things of Him and away from things that grieves Him. In my spending and saving. In what I watch and listen to. In how I discipline my children. In how I discipline myself. It's the power to go for a run rather than re-watch Glee for the tenth time. It's the power to stop and pray, "Lord, place a guard over my mouth" before I yell at my screaming two-year-old having a screaming-two-year-old fit. It's the power to let go of my insatiable need to be visible and let someone else have the spotlight. It's the power to let go of my anger and my need to be right, and approach my husband with a gracious and forgiving spirit. It's the power - and this is the tough one - to make my actions live up to all my big talk.
Make no mistake. Not a moment of gracious, obedient, selfless behavior has anything to do with me. It is all by His grace, by His tender mercy that I can do anything good at all. But each time I drag myself out of bed early to have time before Him in the morning, each time I bury myself in studying His word, each time I pay attention to the Holy Spirit and move in obedience, I find deeper desire to know Him, to serve Him, to follow Him - and more and more power to do so.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
hope springs
Sunday was one of those quiet turning points in my life. There was no emotional breakdown, no blowout fight, no life crisis to precipitate the radical change in my heart. This time the only catalyst for change was a weary, broken heart crying out to God, met by a God who loves me enough to listen. A simple moment that opened my eyes, broke my heart, and changed my direction.
We've been in a desert place for a long time now, and for months I've felt like I was barely trudging through the hot sand, head down and just moving, moving, one exhausted step at a time. Even though I was walking with the Lord, searching his word and and listening for his voice, all I could see were circumstances and things to worry about.
On Sunday morning, I sat in church as we were introduced to some new leaders and naturally, my thoughts were on myself. I wished that I was visible as a servant. That when someone thought about a servant and leader in our church, they would think of me. Immediately, God spoke: "It's not about you." And then: "What good is your servant's heart if you never serve?
How like God to be right. In an instant, my hard heart was softened. My dry spirit was drenched in His. He heard my cry and he poured out His grace. How like God to be faithful, merciful, loving. To be there. To be here.
I committed myself then to walk in obedience to him. I have asked him to use me. Now I need to listen, and when I hear him speak, I need to obey. I want to obey.
"Trust in the Lord and go good, dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart (Ps. 37:3-4)."
I woke up this morning positively bursting with joy. Still in the deepest valley of my life, still facing mountains I can't climb and an enemy who refuses to quit. But I feel real hope and real peace. Still not able to see the way that God has made for us, but I know He has made it. He is waiting, listening, speaking, directing. How sweet to have his presence.
We've been in a desert place for a long time now, and for months I've felt like I was barely trudging through the hot sand, head down and just moving, moving, one exhausted step at a time. Even though I was walking with the Lord, searching his word and and listening for his voice, all I could see were circumstances and things to worry about.
On Sunday morning, I sat in church as we were introduced to some new leaders and naturally, my thoughts were on myself. I wished that I was visible as a servant. That when someone thought about a servant and leader in our church, they would think of me. Immediately, God spoke: "It's not about you." And then: "What good is your servant's heart if you never serve?
How like God to be right. In an instant, my hard heart was softened. My dry spirit was drenched in His. He heard my cry and he poured out His grace. How like God to be faithful, merciful, loving. To be there. To be here.
I committed myself then to walk in obedience to him. I have asked him to use me. Now I need to listen, and when I hear him speak, I need to obey. I want to obey.
"Trust in the Lord and go good, dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart (Ps. 37:3-4)."
I woke up this morning positively bursting with joy. Still in the deepest valley of my life, still facing mountains I can't climb and an enemy who refuses to quit. But I feel real hope and real peace. Still not able to see the way that God has made for us, but I know He has made it. He is waiting, listening, speaking, directing. How sweet to have his presence.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
one of these days...
I am actually going to visit this poor blog regularly again. I keep jotting down things on my "blog about this" list, but I never actually manage to blog about them. In lieu of real writing, here's a snapshot of things I want to share:
- My first real fasting experience, during which God spoke some amazing things into my heart. In general, He is working in my life like never before... mostly because I am yielding to Him and walking in obedience like never before. Funny how that works.
- The joy and struggle of life with my two-year-old, including his new penchant for screaming bloody murder in the car - a lot. When does that end??
- My in-laws first visit to Portland, and our campaign to woo them this direction.
- Beginning to think about preschool for Eli next fall - not sure how that is even possible - and wondering what other mommies look/looked for in a preschool.
- My struggle with resolving the absolute truth of Jesus Christ and my desire to respect personal liberty and choice.
- My new journey as a runner, which has been derailed (temporarily, I hope) by a hip injury, bad knees, and that pesky family visit. :)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
look what i made!
I'm discovering that I really love being a homemaker. I take enormous pleasure in keeping my
home clean and organized. Just kidding. I don't actually keep my home clean or organized, but in my mind, the Proverbs 31 women has nothing on me. Anyway, I have been feeling very crafty lately. The other day I was at the park and saw a woman with an adorable little blanket that attached to her Baby Bjorn. When she pulled it up over her baby, it made a little hood for him. I always struggle to keep Lucas covered when we're out in the sun, and I thought it was so clever. I searched for it online and came up empty. So I thought, "I bet I could make that." Heh heh. Side note: I have very limited sewing skills. In fact, I am a pretty terrible sewer. Thank goodness for my can-do attitude. A couple of days later, I was talking to my friend Dara and mentioned what I wanted to make. She said, "Oh, that's a GO blanket." Of course. I found it online and thought, "Oh yeah. I could totally make that." (I should really say those thoughts out loud, so someone can stop me.) No offense to the GO Blanket people, but $70 is a lot for a blankie, no matter how versatile it is. I found possibly the most adorable fabric ever created, and decided to put my crappy sewing ability to the test. And guess what? I actually did it!! Considering that I had no pattern and can barely sew, I think it turned out pretty darned good. If you squint, the stitches look almost straight. The drawstring part at the top doesn't pull through as smoothly as the real version, and it's a little too long when it's tied to the Baby Bjorn, but overall I think it's going to do the job quite nicely. And it's just too cute for words. I tell you, I don't think I was this proud when I delivered my babies. What do you think of my craftiness?
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
the baby blues and other adventures
It was only a matter of time before post-partum depression settled into my otherwise idyllic new life with two children. It's nothing major, but when I went from feeling happy and energetic one day to weepy and utterly exhausted the next, I knew what was up. Since I've experienced this before, I quickly called my doctor and started on some happy pills, and I am already feeling a little better after just a few days. But man, am I tired. More than tired, I am excessively, mind-numbingly weary. I feel like my blood is barely pumping and just getting out of bed and off the couch is a challenge. I am so thankful for Ben, who stepped way up and pitched in with baths and dishes and vaccuuming and hugs. I wish we were closer to my family, who I know want nothing more than to help out. I have struggled with mommy guilt and wife guilt and Christian guilt while being too exhausted to really care about all of the things that I feel guilty about. And to add insult to injury, I am having daily migraines again. Waking up with them this time, which is ridiculous. It doesn't even give me a chance to do anything right or wrong, just, "Good morning, you feel like crap already!" It sucks, because I was feeling so good... more energetic and ambitious than I ever felt while I was pregnant, and just... very up. But I've been here before, and I can already feel it getting better. Today I took Eli to the playground, and I worked out, and I'm cooking dinner. Little things that provide a sense of normalcy, that help me see the light at the end of the tunnel and feel like a slightly less inadequate wife and mother. It's comforting to know that I'll get there. But oh, I hate getting there.
In other news, we enjoyed a wonderful Memorial Day at the beach. We spent several hours at Hug Point, wading in the waves and watching Eli play in the sand. He is still skittish about the waves, but he adores running around and digging in the sand. I am an ocean junkie. There is no place I would rather be than sitting on the beach, any beach, watching waves crash. Put a fruity drink in my hand and I'm a happy, happy woman.
In other news, we enjoyed a wonderful Memorial Day at the beach. We spent several hours at Hug Point, wading in the waves and watching Eli play in the sand. He is still skittish about the waves, but he adores running around and digging in the sand. I am an ocean junkie. There is no place I would rather be than sitting on the beach, any beach, watching waves crash. Put a fruity drink in my hand and I'm a happy, happy woman.
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