blech

In a word, that's how i feel. In case you're one of the ten people in the world who I've managed not to tell, I am pregnant with our second child. It's very early, and yes, I should have waited to tell, and yes, my husband and I agreed to wait to tell, and yes, I'm sure on the inside he's shaking his head in amazement at my inability to either keep a secret or keep an agreement to keep a secret. At any rate, I've told a lot of people, and I feel sick and tired and discouraged, so I might as well blog about it.

This baby was a definitely a surprise. While Eli was precisely planned for - prenatal vitamins taken, OB visited, contraband medications halted for months prior to conception - this one came as a bit of a shock. By no means a disaster, but definitely a moment of, "huh." Definitely a sense of, "Wow, let's clean out the nest - quickly." We were hoping that Eli would be past the 2 1/2 year mark when the next baby came along. Instead, this baby is due approximately three days after Eli's birthday. That would be one day after my birthday. That would be three - yes, three - birthdays in one week.

So, God has a sense of humor... but I do believe in his timing. I believe that God is sovereign. I believe that he will never bring us to a place that he won't then walk us through.

I have to tell myself that a lot these days, as I battle endless nausea, exhaustion, headaches, a ridiculously achy back (there's barely even in a baby in there yet!), and a general feeling of... blech. I had a rough pregnancy with Eli, but this time, I have Eli. In some moments, it feels absolutely impossible to endure a pregnancy and newborn while tending to a very active toddler. I know I felt bad the last time, and my mother reminds me that I complained about all of these symptoms the last time, and I tended to an entire class full of first graders the last time, but... somehow, this one seems harder. It's different emotionally, too. My mom had a series of miscarriages after her first healthy pregnancy. It's hard not to fear that history will repeat itself in me. So there's a little less thrill, a little more anxiety. I try to think of it as cautious optimism.

And so I remind myself, over and over and over again, of several important truths. 1) God will give me everything I need for every moment of every day - if I remain in him, he will remain in me. 2) God alone holds the number of our days, and that includes our children. I can rest in the knowledge that this baby is his child so much more than it is mine. 3) As my friend Kyla pointed out (Kyla, who has three little girls five and under and a husband away in the navy), even if my son watches cartoons and plays by himself while I lay comatose on the couch for an hour (or two), he will still grow into an intelligent, well-adjusted man who will not have mommy issues. 4) My amazing cousin and dear friend Danielle is surviving a high-intensity toddler and a colicky baby and doing so with amazing strength, wit, and class... and she doesn't even need makeup.

All of which is to say, I will survive. God will continue to bless my marriage, my relationship with my son, my unborn child (daughter, daughter, daughter), my homemaking, my health, and my relationship with him. Stay tuned.